Reflections and Self Doubts
by Lillehafrue
Summary: One shot. Jeff's thoughts and feelings about his life and his sons at the end of the movie. REPOSTED. Tweaked and fixed a few points.


Reposted this after a I read it again and found a few things I wanted to change. Thanks for all the reviewers that pointed a few out. That's what happens when you try and write with two kids, four cats, a dog and a husband running underfoot. Enjoy!

* * *

The villa was quiet. Almost too quiet. Brains and Fermat had gone to the mainland to pack up the boys belongings from Wharton Academy. Tin-Tin and her parents had decided to go along also, leaving Tracy Island to the Tracy's for the first time in a long time.

Jeff Tracy stared, without really seeing, at the report on his desk. His mind was too caught up with the events of the past two weeks for him to concentrate on his paperwork. He sighed and looked up at the murals covering his office walls.

They portrayed his family at various times of their lives. His eldest, Scott, with his quick wit and sense of duty. Next John, the quietest of the boys, with his head full of white blonde hair and his shy smile. Virgil, care-free and easy going, but there when you needed him. Gordon, the most boisterous of the five, always teasing his brothers, both young and old. And finally Alan, the baby. Not really a baby anymore. Jeff smiled as his eyes wandered over them.

A loud shout followed by a splash interrupted his musings, and he got up and walked over to the window. Scott stood by the pool, laughing as Alan surfaced with an angry yell. Scott continued to laugh, not noticing his other brothers sneaking up behind him. With a war cry, Virgil and Gordon grabbed their older brother by the elbows and together, the three of them landed in the pool on top of Alan. John, looking a bit worse for wear, sat on the sidelines grinning.

John…Jeff's smile faded as he took in his son's battered features. John had been severely injured by the Hood's attack on Thunderbird 5. His throat tightened with emotion as he remembered.

"_I'm losing all power! Repeat, I'm losing all power!"_

"_Hold on John, we're coming in."_

"_Dad…Hurry…"_

_Almost before Thunderbird 3 was fully docked, Scott was out of his seat and throwing on an emergency pack, his father and brothers at his heels. When they got inside the giant space station, they were stunned by the sheer damage around them._

"_John! Scott, tackle that fire!"_

"_Am I glad to see you guys…"_

"_Easy, you're hurt."_

Jeff sighed again. If he had only know just how hurt John really was. Throughout the next four hours, John grimly stayed at his post, getting TB5 online, and back into geo-stational orbit, then returning with the others back to London. Even then, he stood with his brothers, cheering Alan on, a smile plastered on his bruised face. Jeff took off with Alan after the Hood, leaving the others to wrap things up. It was only later that Jeff learned as soon as he left, John had collapsed into the arms of a waiting paramedic. It turned out that in addition to the cuts and burns, John had three broken ribs, a sprained knee, and a bad concussion. Not to mention the large piece of shrapnel imbedded in his back. Jeff and Alan found him in the hospital, Scott, Virgil, and Gordon, standing vigil at his side.

Then there was Alan.

Jeff watched as his youngest son held his own against his older brothers in the pool. He had always tried to shelter and protect Alan. Maybe it was because he was the youngest, maybe it was to try and curb Alan's restless nature, or maybe because every time Jeff looked at his son, he saw his wife's blue eyes.

Jeff's gaze shifted to the picture of his wife. _God Lucy, I lost you. What would I do if I lost them?_ A flash of pink caught his attention, and he watched as FAB1 came into view in the harbor. Parker gallantly helped Penelope out of the craft and she waved enthusiastically to the boys, before glancing up at him. Jeff, his thoughts still in turmoil, half-heartedly waved back and waited for her to come up.

Jeff was back sitting at his desk when Penelope knocked on the door and entered the room. She was dressed in one of her signature pink outfits, and her hair was perfect, as usual. She smiled warmly. "Jeff, how are you?"

"Penny, what brings you to Tracy Island?" Jeff got to his feet and smiledup at her.

She shrugged. "I get a bit antsy when I go too long without seeing my boys." A loud splash came from the outside. "And it sounds like they managed to get Parker into the pool."

"I hope they gave him time to change first." Jeff led her to the window, and they looked down at the pool to see Scott, Virgil, Gordon, and Alan all floundering in the water, while a very smug Parker stood with his hands folded across his chest, quite dry. John roared with laughter, his right arm in a sling and the other wrapped tightly around his chest. Jeff's smiled faded.

Penelope placed a hand on his arm. "Jeff, he's fine. They all are."

"But they almost weren't Penny." He stalked off away from the window. "We thought TB5 had been hit by a meteor. Imagine our surprise to find out some madman launched a missile at it." His voice finally betraying some of the anger he was feeling.

"Jeff…"

He whirled to face her. "What Penny? Calm down? Is that what you want me to do? Well, I can't and I won't. This—this Hood character targeted my family! Tried to kill my sons! How am I supposed to stay calm?" He demanded angrily.

Penelope met his gaze fearlessly. "I wasn't going to tell you to calm down. I was merely going to suggest that you come down for dinner. Parker is going to barbeque."

Jeff stared in disbelief. "What?"

"I asked if you were coming down to dinner. Parker is going to make his famous ribs and he brought some of that ghastly Guinness that the boys like."

Jeff turned away from her, and rested his hands on the window sill. "Jeff?" Penelope called softly. "What is it?"

"My God Penny, what if John had been killed in that attack? Or Alan hadn't been able to get us back down? Or if the Hood had killed him in the bank? Penny, I couldn't handle that. I lost my wife. I couldn't handle losing my sons too." His voice was tight with emotion.

Penelope walked over to stand next to him. "Look at them Penny." Jeff stared down at his sons. Virgil, Gordon and Alan were still horsing around in the water and John had leaned back in a lounge chair, his eyes closed. Scott walked over to him bending down to talk to him. John opened his eyes and nodded. Scott grinned and tousled his brother's platinum hair before walking over to Parker. "What have I done?" Jeff whispered brokenly.

Penelope placed her hand on his. "Jeff, you've done nothing."

Jeff shook his head. "I've stolen their childhood. I've turned them into what **I** wanted them to become."

"You have done no such thing." Penny snapped at him. "Jeff, you've raised five wonderful, bright, beautiful boys. They have no regrets about their lives, and you shouldn't either."

"But Scott would have been a Major by now—"

"Scott would have withered at an Air Force desk job and you know it. And do you really think John would have liked working for NASA, barely seeing space, when now he can touch the stars? Virgil needed an outlet for all his energy, and piloting Thunderbird 2 gives him that. Gordon I haven't quite figured out yet, but he lives for a challenge. And then there's Alan." Penny met Jeff's brown eyes fearlessly. "Jeff, the boy has had one dream his entire life, to become a Thunderbird like his father and brothers. And now he's achieved that dream." She shook her head. "You haven't taken their childhood, you've given them their lives."

Jeff seemed a bit taken aback by her outburst. "You didn't see him Penny. You didn't see Alan's face when the Hood told him I left him to die."

She refused to back down. "You told him yourself that you can't save everyone, no matter how much you want to. And he knows that Jeff, better than any of the others." Jeff looked puzzled. "He knows his mother threw him out of harms way, that she chose to save him and not herself." Her tone softened at seeing the grief in his eyes. "Jeff, your sons are doing what **they** want to do with their lives. Believe me when I say there is no place else they would rather be."

Jeff sighed. "I know…I think deep down, I've always known. But there's more Pen. When the Hood had you, I…I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand the thought of him having his hands on you." He looked at her, something smoldering in his dark eyes.

Penelope's heart swelled with hope. "Jeff…"

He placed a finger on her lips. "I loved Lucy. She was my life, and together we made five wonderful boys. I'll always love her Penny, but…" He took a shuddering breath and drew her close. "There might be room in my heart to love some one else."

Penny fell into his embrace. "I would never want you to stop loving her. She is a part of you."

"As are you." Jeff tilted Penny's head up, and gazed down at her. "I love you Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward."

Penny's eyes grew luminous. "I love you Jeff, I always have." He pulled her close and kissed her. Hesitantly at first, then she threw her arms around him, deepening the kiss until they were oblivious to everything around them.

Finally, they broke apart and Jeff rested his forehead on top of her hair. "I was a fool for waiting this long."

"I won't disagree with you there." Penelope nestled close to him.

"Ahem."

Both looked up in surprise. John stood in the doorway. Jeff and Penny instantly sprang apart. "John, did you uh, need something?" Jeff stammered, his face red.

John shook his head. "Parker sent me up to tell you the ribs are ready and that if you want any before Alan and Gordon finish them, you'd better come down."

"We'll ah, we'll be right there." Jeff told him, still blushing.

John nodded and started out the door. Then he turned back, his blue eyes twinkling. "Dad?" Jeff looked up. "It's about time." With a grin and a jaunty wave, he left.

Jeff sighed as Penny began to giggle. He frowned at her which made her only laugh harder. Soon, they were both laughing, arms around each other. "Why do I feel like I got caught with my hands in the cookie jar?" Jeff asked, resting his forehead against hers.

"Is that what you have your hands in?" Penny replied impishly.

Jeff smiled and kissed her again. "Well, I will admit, I was worried about the boys, but if it's OK with John, the others will be fine."

"He was closest to Lucy?" Penny asked.

Jeff nodded. "They had a special bond. He looks just like her. It's unnerving sometimes."

"And it's not seeing a younger version of you in Scott?" Penny teased.

"That's true." He sighed. "Are you sure you're ready for all this?" He gestured around him.

She looked deep into his eyes. "I've always been ready." She said, pulling him down to her.

When they finally broke apart a few minutes later, both were breathless. "Come on, we'd better get downstairs before there's nothing left to eat." Jeff said, not really wanting to let go of her.

"Or the rest of them come up looking for us." Penny laughed.

"God, anything but that!" Jeff took her hand and they started out the door. He paused in the doorway and looked around at the murals again. He felt a large weight lift off his shoulders.

"Jeff?"

"I'm coming Pen." With one last look around, Jeff turned off the light and followed her out the door.

Thunderbirds are go.

* * *


End file.
